Auto Tool Definitions

[adh at an.bradford.ma.us]

an oldie but a goodie...  enjoy!


Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:	Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
	as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts near the object
	aimed at.

Mechanic's Knife:	Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
	cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
	containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:	Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
	holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
	roll bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the
	brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:	One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
	principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
	motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
	dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips:	Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available,
	they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
	your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:	Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
	cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer
	(What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember
	to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort
	Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:	See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:	Once used for working on older British cars and
	motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems
	from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:	A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
	metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
	and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling
	Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:	Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
	the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls
	and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
	"Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:	Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
	have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping
	the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:	Used for levering a car upward off a
	hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:	A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:	Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
	hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:	Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
	spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:	A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
	is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:	A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on
	crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:	A handy tool for testing the tensile
	strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have
	forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:	A large motor mount prying tool that
	inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
	without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:	A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
	from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
	your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:	See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:	The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop
	light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which
	is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits aside, its
	main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
	that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
	hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name
	is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:	Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
	paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
	as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:	A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
	power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
	that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
	grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by
	someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.


_______________________________________________________________________________
Andrew Hay		|	Forts are not distinguished from fortresses
internet rambler	|	by the presence or absence of breastworks
adh at an.bradford.ma.us	|	nor by the size of their buttresses